Sunday, February 28, 2010

PostPartum Nightmares

First of all, I must give a huge shout-out and "Thank You" to the Discovery Channel for allowing me to preview their special, "PostPartum Nightmares" which airs Tuesday at 8pm (ET/PT) on Discovery Health. Check your local listings so you don't miss it. Then set your DVR. Then set a reminder on your iPhone to watch it. Then tell your husband to remind you. Then just go ahead and watch it.

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you probably know that I suffer (I hesitate to use the past tense on this one, because I don't know that I'm out of the woods just yet) from Postpartum Depression.

Every woman's experience with the....disease, disorder, THIEF, that PPD is, is absolutely different. Some women may feel mild symptoms and get over them quickly. I've heard women tell their stories and the conclusion sounds like this: "And then the cloud lifted and I felt normal again." Others are hit harder, in a deeper place, and require intense and intentional work to pull themselves out.

Discovery Health presents three stories in "Postpartum Nightmares," each one different, but each with a common theme--Postpartum Depression is a problem, and it hurts women at our core. We want and need to feel good about ourselves; to be confident, caring mothers and wives. And Postpartum Depression, quite honestly, ROBS us of having that need fulfilled.

There is an incredibly negative stigma around PPD. We are so ashamed to admit we need help, to admit that mothering is not as perfect as they portray on TV. Why, iff one in every eight women (or one in five, depending on who you ask) suffers from PPD, do up to 80%...wait, let's hold on just a teeny-tiny minute and let that one sink in. Ok we're back. EIGHTY PERCENT of women go undiagnosed and untreated.

I won't go into detail about these ladies' stories, because they are not mine to tell. They do a beautiful job of telling their own struggles, as do their husbands. I really appreciated peeking into the husbands' point of view. It's important that they be educated and aware of the risks, as well. The overarching message in this special is: There is hope. You may have to go to many lengths to find the treatment that works for you, but do not give up. For your child, yourself, and your family, do not give up.

Ladies, let's take off the mask. Let's show everyone our strength in overcoming this struggle. If you are suffering from PPD, please get help. If you want to talk, please feel free to email me. I would love to talk to you. But please see a doctor or a counselor; even a trusted friend. You're not alone, we are all here for you. You can get better. You WILL get better.

Here's my email: racheeb at gmail dot com

**Baby Week kicks off March 1 at 8:00 p.m. Eastern/Pacific Time on Discovery Health. There are some amazing specials on every night, including some about multiples, and one I hope to catch about "Extreme Parenting." Wahoo!! Click here for the whole line-up**

**I did not receive anything for writing this...just the privilege of pre-screening the show...which made me feel extremely special.**

Friday, February 26, 2010

Blissdom Link Love Part Deux

Today's Blissdom Link Love is dedicated to the wonderful ladies I met the very first night. Just like all the others I met at the conference, these ladies are amazing in every way. But they get special props for making me laugh, making me feel comfortable, and hugging me in the bathroom.

* Mary Anne Beasley: The Stiletto Mom ^
* Robin Sampson: Heart of Wisdom ^ //And BOY does she have some serious wisdom!
* Christine Young: From Dates to Diapers //My note on the back of the card is: "6 kids. Super tiny." :)
* Tiffany Romero: Stars & Hearts Media/SITS
* Brigid Day: Eager and Anxious/ Brigid Day.com
* Kimberly Hartke: She's a publicist, but has a personal blog
* She needs NO other introduction: VODKAMOM
* Cynthia: NapWarden
* Amy Gross: Mom's Toolbox AND Mom's Travel Tales
* Laurie Turk: She's got about a billion blogs, and they are ALL fabulous, just like the green feather headband she was wearing at the first party! So here are Laurie's blogs:
**TipJunkie
**ExecutiveHomemaker
**ChicChickMedia
**BuyMomMade
^: Denotes official bathroom-hugger.

I also need to give a shout out to someone I forgot the last time I posted links--
* Sarah Gronberg Kolell, Publicity Manager for Hallmark. Click Here for the Hallmark site; Click here for a more personal peek into Sarah's life!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Blissdom Link Love!

Here's some link love for the WONDERFUL, AMAZING ladies I met at Blissdom! I wish I could remember ALL of you specifically, but I am struggling, so please forgive me. I hope to reconnect with you in the blogosphere soon!!!

* Liz Latham: Hoosier Homemade THANKS FOR THE GUMMY BEARS!!!
* Stephanie Johnson: The Blue Zoo
* Shannon Shaffer: For the Mommas
* Charlene Haugsven: My Frugal Adventures
* Angie: Many Little Blessings Angie has many other homeschool resources--check her out!
* Heather Solsbery Spirittibee
* Alli: Couponing for 4
* Jessica Turner: The Mom Creative
* Sara Crowe: Events Etc. Sara is amazing for letting me hang out with her a lot over the weekend!
* Megan Crume: Sweet Sadie Marie CUTE stuff on her etsy site, too!

I'm moving through my business cards slowly but surely! So come back on Friday to see if you're featured!!! If you haven't been, you will!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hold You

"Mama UP!" he says
So his daddy lifts him up above where his 3-foot-tall frame can reach on his own. Onto the bed, where I am refusing to face the day.
He brings his trucks. "Red truck! Blue truck!" He lays his head on the pillow next to me, and as I wrap my arm around his enormous (for a toddler) frame, he says "vrooooom" and the arm is a race track. The cars race, form a train, and fall off the cliff of my shoulder.
This is the first time he's ever laid in bed with me for any length of time, without squirming his way down.
And I realize that THIS is why I get up in the morning. "Mama UP! Mama, holdyou!"

Monday, February 22, 2010

Review of "Free Book" by Brian Tome

**Disclosure: "Free Book" by Brian Tome was provided to me for free by BookSneeze, a division of Thomas Nelson Publishers. I received the book in exchange for this review. You can get free books too! Just sign up for BookSneeze!**

The cover boasts that Brian Tome is "a fanatic about freedom." The 230 pages following this bright orange attention-grabber prove it. Tome brings to light a familiar concept among Christian circles: freedom in Christ, but he does it in a new way. He presents the concept in plain, sometimes shocking, language and with a giant dose of humor. As I was reading some of his more colorful descriptions I had a clear image of his editor, eyes wide, marking with a red pen. I'm thankful that his editor let some of the more "borderline" words and phrases through to the final cut--it really works in this concept. His use of common language and stories about drinking beer demonstrate the freedom that he, himself, has found in Christ. The last thing the Christian audience needs is one more author telling us what we must do--Tome would say that will lead to guilt, which is ultimately bondage. Instead, he presents his ideas and serves as a living example through the entire book. Many of the principles can be related on a broader scale, such as a church congregation. Pastors, I recommend you read this book and apply it to your life, and your ministry as a whole.

If you are wondering why your spiritual life is stagnant, you may be facing a stronghold. Get free, and feel free to use Brian Tome's wisdom as a guide.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

22 months

Hi Zeke!

You are 22 months old today! When you were born, I swore to myself that I would take a picture of you every single month on the 20th. But you must know something about your mommy. I have ADHD and I don't take medication for it anymore. So I get distracted really easily from my delusions of grandeur and sometimes never accomplish what I set out to do. But that's okay, really. I've owned that part of myself and let it go. I realized that it isn't important to take a picture of you every single month in the same way or record every burp, giggle, and toot. What IS important is that I enjoy you and live my life with you every day. It would be nice to record everything, but then I'd miss a little bit, and I don't want to do that. So here it is, a random "you're this many old" blog post for you to enjoy when you're older. Don't ask mommy where months 1-21 are because they don't exist!

Some Cool Stuff You Do/Like:
* You still love Harvey Hamel the Camel, and are reluctant to put him back in bed after you wake up. It is so adorable to watch you suck your thumb and rub his worn fur. It melts our heart.

* You love to talk, and have your own language. Sometimes I have no idea what you are saying and I just respond with "Yeah? Tell me more!" and you do.

* Today, you played independently in your room for the first time by yourself...with very few tears.

* You run, and when you get going really fast, you lean forward and stick your arms straight out behind you.

* You like to be tickled and have the most precious laugh!

* You are very silly, and do things just to make your mommy and daddy laugh. Before you were born, I specifically prayed that you would be silly. What a precious answer to a momma's prayers!

* Just like every toddler, when you want me or daddy to hold you you say "Holdyou"...except when you say it it's cuter than when all the other toddlers say it.

* You love trains and call them "choo choos" but when we ask you what a "choo choo" says you say, "chooooooo chooooooooooo" in a really high voice.

* Elmo is your favorite thing. Ever. You sing "Elmo's Song," sometimes without being prompted, and it is so cute: "La La La La La ELMO!!!"

* We still sing "Jesus Loves Zeke" to you before bed and nap times, and you're starting to sing along. It warms my heart that when you fall asleep the last thing you've heard is the truth of the gospel.

There is so much more, but I just can't keep going on or I'll cry way too much and when your daddy gets home he'll wonder what's wrong. I love you sweet boy. I fought hard to love you, and I do. So much.

Here's a video of Zeke and his daddy being silly:

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Stink

"I can't wait to go home to a clean house."

"I am SO happy we're going home to a clean house."

"Clean house, here we come!"

After Zeke left for Florida with my mother-in-law, I was afforded the luxury of one day without him in the house. Yes, I missed him, but I got a LOT done. I was able to thoroughly clean before embarking on my Blissdom adventure and vacation to Florida. Pride coursed through my veins as I basked in the glow of dust-free hardwood floors and clean-as-I-could-possibly-get-it laminate in the kitchen. The toilets shone, the shower smelled like bleach, and nary a crumb littered the high chair. We left for a blissful two-week vacation without a care in the world because of my hard work (insert pride here).

This is the phrase I heard from my husband as I was peeling my constipated toddler's limp body out of his car seat when we arrived at home two weeks later:

"Ummm, it smells a little funky, and I can't tell if something's rotting or if it's just damp."

Josh had gone in before us to turn on lights and such, and noticed a funk. The smell hit me as soon as I crossed the threshold. It smelled like...I couldn't even describe it. I sniffed at a couple of random cardboard boxes in the kitchen, knowing that I COULD have thrown a banana peel in one of them and forgotten about it in my rush to leave two weeks prior. Then I thought to open the refrigerator. The light didn't turn on and the smell worsened. It was the fridge. As Josh came in with some of the luggage I informed him of my discovery. Our first thought was "how did the refrigerator break?" The we saw it. The plug next to the refrigerator, above the stove, did not power the stove. It powered the refrigerator. And it was unplugged.

We unplugged the refrigerator (and, consequently, the freezer) before we left. TWO. WEEKS. AGO. The freezer was an even sorrier sight, and the main source of the smell. I had been stockpiling frozen food from Angel Food Ministries, and we had just received a shipment shortly before we left. Chicken breasts, turkey burgers, fish patties, chicken patties (which looked really good by the way! well, not by this point.) and leftover bread that I had made sure to keep for our return were all ruined. And that doesn't even cover what was in the refrigerator. Eggs, mayonnaise, butter, milk (well that we knew would be bad anyway so I wasn't too disappointed about it). All gone. No food in the house except for instant oatmeal and some canned goods. I'm glad I got rid of a bunch of eggs and apples and other produce before we left. I can't imagine the smell if those had been present. Ugh.

We unplugged this now reeking appliance thinking we were doing a good thing. We unplugged everything that had a plug, except for the stove. Well, we THOUGHT we were unplugging the stove, but it was the refrigerator. I can tell you honestly that I really wasn't that mad. The feeling I had was more along the lines of violation. Something had been happening in my house without my knowledge. Without my consultation, a process (namely, the decomposition of random animal and vegetable flesh) had started in MY HOME, and continued for two weeks. I assumed everything was fine and dandy. I worked hard ensuring it to be so. I led the charge for cleanliness, but in my absence, nature rebelled. I am reminded of Christmas 2008, when we found a rat (or two?) in our apartment. I felt violated then because this rodent was sneaking around behind my back stealing my Christmas cookies and peeing on my rug, giving my 8-month-old a rash. And here I am again; this nasty food violated my trust.

Sure, I guess it's our fault. {I won't tell you who REALLY unplugged the fridge, because if you follow me on Twitter you already know, and I would never say anything negative about him, and he feels REALLY bad, and I thought it was the stove plug too. AND he watched figure skating with me last night. I am a lucky wife!} But we set up the expectation that everything would be fine in our absence, and when we got back we were SORELY disappointed that things had been happening; food rotting, behind our back. And so we clean up, disinfect, and carry on.

Have you ever been let down by your own expectations, even if it was your own fault?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

On Finishing

I bet you didn't know that I'm "Not Just A..." (fill in the blank with whatever you choose--"lover of fine literature," "voracious consumer of potato products", really. Whatever); I am also a student. A graduate student, at that. I've had THAT prestigious title since the Summer of 2004. Now, a deadline looms on my horizon.

"Congratulations on your acceptance into our ridiculously awesome Master of Science in Counseling program. You have six years to complete it. Time staaaaaaaaaaaaaarts..........

NOW!"

Since that Summer, my journey has been like a traffic jam. Start. Stop. Start. Go for a little while and screech to a halt. To make a very long and complicated story a bit shorter (just in case you're reading this on your phone and can't scroll down too much at once), I've been in a state of limbo since my son was born. "Taking a break," so to speak. Every last bit of my coursework is complete. All I need is 2 semesters of an internship and I've got that degree in my grubby little hands. Hold it there sister, just one problem. This Summer, my six years is up. I will be applying for, and am hoping to receive, a one year extension on that deadline because I'm ready. Life happened, got in the way, and now I've got to finish.

So I'm about to press the gas pedal again and hopefully cruise to the exit. 800 hours of unpaid work away from my husband and son is what NOW looms on my horizon. It is going to suck. But the end result will be exciting because I will finish a dream and take a big step toward living out my purpose (more on THAT subject later. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here). Doors of opportunity will fly open off their hinges for me to walk through if I choose. At the very least they might squeak open a tiny crack and I can use the muscles I've gained over the past couple of years as a fitness instructor to push and kick them open all the way.

Excitement and fear feel very similar to me, so I don't know WHAT I'm feeling right now. All I know is that it's time to put my foot down on the gas instead of keeping it where it is--hovering over the brake, ready to end my journey for good. TWO SEMESTERS. That's IT. Time to finish the race.

Have you ever pressed on to finish something even though the journey was difficult? how did it turn out? How did you feel when it was over?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

THIS.

This is courage and grace:




If only we all could face the end of our lives with such love. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
Video taken from: Eva

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Blast from the Past Part 2

And here's the sequel! I know you've been anxiously awaiting it. So go ahead. READ.

Original Post Date: June 7, 2009

GOD just did something...

....and I have to share it with you. If you haven't already, please read one of my previous posts--click here.

I just received a video in my email from my mother-in-law. It might seem insignificant to you, but I truly believe that this video made its way to me because the Lord knew that I needed to feel His presence and know that he is still there, listening and CARING. Even in the smallest little details, he's there, he knows, and he is concerned. I love it. And even though this video is meant to be really cool and just a neat thing to watch, I have tears in my eyes. After you read my previous post, please watch--


video

Isn't our Lord amazing?! Can I get a hallelujah?!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Blast from the Past Part 1

Just because I went to Blissdom, I am now a total blogging rock-star, worthy of a "Greatest Hits" album. In the blogging world that means that I can re-post past posts (alliteration! woohoo!) and here is the first of two I'm re-posting while I'm on vacation. These two mean a lot to me, and you have to read them in order, so pay attention! Installment #2 will come soon young grasshopper, so be patient.

Original Date: May 18, 2009

The God Who Cried, "Purple Lizard!!"

Week two of my new Bible Study, "Believing God'" by Beth Moore, has barely begun and God is already revealing to me some pretty intense Truths. I know the title may have caught you off guard, but read on: I promise I will explain it.

In Day 1 of this week's homework, we were introduced to Isaiah 45:18-25, which reads (in the NIV):
18 For this is what the LORD says—
he who created the heavens,
he is God;
he who fashioned and made the earth,
he founded it;
he did not create it to be empty,
but formed it to be inhabited—
he says:
"I am the LORD,
and there is no other.

19 I have not spoken in secret,
from somewhere in a land of darkness;
I have not said to Jacob's descendants,
'Seek me in vain.'
I, the LORD, speak the truth;
I declare what is right.

20 "Gather together and come;
assemble, you fugitives from the nations.
Ignorant are those who carry about idols of wood,
who pray to gods that cannot save.

21 Declare what is to be, present it—
let them take counsel together.
Who foretold this long ago,
who declared it from the distant past?
Was it not I, the LORD ?
And there is no God apart from me,
a righteous God and a Savior;
there is none but me.

22 "Turn to me and be saved,
all you ends of the earth;
for I am God, and there is no other.

23 By myself I have sworn,
my mouth has uttered in all integrity
a word that will not be revoked:
Before me every knee will bow;
by me every tongue will swear.

24 They will say of me, 'In the LORD alone
are righteousness and strength.' "
All who have raged against him
will come to him and be put to shame.

25 But in the LORD all the descendants of Israel
will be found righteous and will exult.

Our homework asked us to consider the challenges we face in believing God, and how they relate to these verses. The Lord gave me a vision. I was transported back to Kindergarten, on the playground at my church, where I went to school. I saw my friend Taylor (who I am privileged enough to still call a friend, after all these years) running toward me saying, "Look! Come see!" And this is what I wrote:

In Isaiah 45:18-25, I hear you partly as angry, and partly pleading like a child who wants a friend to come with him to see a really cool lizard on the other side of the play ground. "PLEASE! I swear! There's a purple lizard over there!" And I say, "No way. I've never seen a purple lizard--I DON'T BELIEVE YOU." And I miss out on seeing a really cool purple lizard. I say I trust you, with my mouth, but my spiritual life thinks of you as "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." I guess I feel like you don't work for me. You do amazing things for others, and I believe in your miracles from the past, but I don't believe in them today. My mind is too skeptical and I am too cynical. Over-spiritualizing everything just seems to cheesey to me. My tendency is to shut down my spirit when I sense you're getting close. I've never seen a purple lizard. In fact, I'm terrified of them, which made my honeymoon fun. Have you ever been to Mexico? There are gigantic lizards EVERYWHERE! They just chill wherever they want, mostly directly in my path, scaring me half to death by their mere presence. Anyway, it would be really super-cool to see a purple one, from a distance, of course. You want to show me one! You do! I know you do! But I don't believe that there is one on the other side of the play ground!

The thing is, when I was in Kindergarten, if Taylor had come running to me and told me about a purple lizard, I would have stopped what I was doing and bolted over to the scene of her amazing find. Even if I didn't think purple lizards were real, I would have gone. So why, when the God of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE wants to show me something, and requires that I believe what he said in the past, I say, "Nah, I'm good. Purple lizards aren't real, silly!" And, even if the purple lizard had run away by the time I arrived, I still would have believed Taylor. So again, why not believe the God who MADE EVERYTHING?

Since I wrote that, God has shown me SO MANY lizards, which, of course, has made my skin crawl, but has also reminded me daily of his promise. There is SOMETHING AWESOME at the other side of the play ground, if I would only believe what he's saying! He is NOT The God Who Cried Purple Lizard, because everything he's ever said has been TRUE.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Blissdom 10

I have to, once again, give an enormous, huge shout out to Steaz for picking me (even if it was random) to attend Blissdom on their big fat dollar. In case you didn't know, I won a full conference pass and you can check out my entry here.

We (husband and I) drove 10 hours from rural Missouri to Nashville, TN, and I was FREAKING OUT the entire way. I followed Twitter updates all day long and the anticipation only grew. By the time we got there I was so excited and nervous that I almost told Josh to turn around and drive me back home. Pretty much every time I went to ANYTHING at Blissdom, my first reaction was to turn around and run back to my room, into the waiting arms of my familiar husband. At least I knew HIM. Have I told you yet that I didn't know a SOUL walking into this ginormous BioDome? I am so socially awkward (and don't you dare comment and try to tell me I'm not--wait a second, no, go ahead and comment and tell me I'm not), or at least I FEEL like I am socially awkward, that it was easier for me to run and hide; maybe even bury my head in the sand, than face a few cocktail parties. But I didn't. And I am SO GLAD I didn't.

Because I broke out of my shell (and nearly vomited every time I did it) I met some amazing people. There are simply too many to list. Some of the more awkward meetings were between myself and some bloggers that I really admire. Take, for instance, THIS classy lady.
Lindsay, you are so pretty! Sorry. Just had to throw that in there.

*ahem.* Anyway, I saw her at the Potato Tastemaker 2k10 Party , looking absolutely fabulous. Someone I was standing with said, "Oh my gosh. Do you read Suburban Turmoil? Because THERE. SHE. IS." And with that, went up and talked to her. I got a little sweaty in the 'pits right there, I'm not going to lie. Because THERE. SHE. WAS. So I decided to march my little butt over there and make a fool out of myself. So I started the conversation with, "I'm about to really embarrass myself, but I'm okay with that. I'm Rachel Boldman, and Ireadyourblogalotandactuallycomment,whichformeishugebecauseidon'tcommentalotonpeople'sblogs *BIG DEEP BREATH*
ButI'vebeenaskingyouwhattowearontwitterandyoureallyhelpedmeout
*BIG DEEP BREATH*
And I think there was a hug in there. Lindsay, did you hug me because you couldn't understand what the heck I was saying? If so, it's okay. I totally understand.
This is just ONE of a few examples of how I embarrassed myself over the course of the weekend, but I had an amazing time. And I learned a lot.

I learned that blogging, and this whole blogging WORLD is all about connection-- connection with each other through our writing, and connection with ourselves. Connection with MYself. Connections made through the internet are REAL, folks. They are honest-to-God friendships that form over really small common ground between people, like style, or really BIG common ground like grief. I came away with a renewed excitement about my story. Sometimes I think because I don't have many readers I'm insignificant. But it's quite the opposite. I am fortunate--I have more opportunity to share. And I can't wait to share my story with you.

Over the next few days and weeks I hope to give you some more insight into what I learned at Blissdom. I may be in and out while I'm on vacation but rest assured, the thoughts are a-brewin'. I will also share my story, in pieces, as I am comfortable, but I will share it. I promise to open up my little world and let you in just a little bit more (maybe a little at a time) and hope you find something to make you feel not-so-alone.

And thank you to all the FRIENDS I met at Blissdom for making ME feel not-so-alone in a sea of 500 amazing women. You made me feel just as amazing as you are.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Slap me on the wrist!

I haven't blogged since I've been here at THE Blogging Conference, Blissdom. Honestly, time has passed so quickly that I have barely seen my husband, my twitter friends, OR myself in the mirror for that matter. The Gaylord Opryland is a little bizarre because EVERYTHING is inside. And still, the hosts/hostesses at the restaurants refer to the seating areas as "inside" and "outside." I feel completely cut off from the outside world, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The entire state of Missouri could have been stomped by the abominable snowman and I would have no idea because I am in a constant state of Bliss.

I'll share more of my thoughts and experiences in the next few days, but be patient with me as I'm going on vacation and visiting with my family in Florida until Feb. 15th. Come back though, I promise to share....I'm just busy! :)

Love to you all, especially those of you who I've met at Blissdom. You are all inspiring me in so many ways, and making me feel like a true member of this community. Especially Vodkamom. But yeah. That's a different story. :)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Triumph

Oh postpartum depression, you saucy minx. You slick temptress.

You tricked me! You told me 21 months ago (that's almost two years in case you didn't know) that I couldn't wait for my sweet baby to go away. But at the same time, you caused me to hold onto him so tight that I refused to let anyone hold him or see him or take care of him. And again, at the same time, you caused me to quietly, even secretly, rejoice in the "alone time" my husband so graciously gave me WAY too often. You told me that I didn't want that helpless little baby to need me, to nurse, to cry, to simply be a baby.
You caused the most conflicting, gut-wrenching feelings to arise in my very soul so that I couldn't move. Paralyzed by fear, I laid in wait for you to consume me. But then, I tricked YOU.

I crawled, clawed, and screamed my way out of you. Much like that girl from "Silence of the Lambs" in that pit ("It puts the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again"--that was me), I was breaking off fingernails trying to get to the top. Trapped in a completely foreign body, leaking fluid I didn't even know existed, I came into my own and got strong. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and medically. You try to throw me back down there when you tell me that it's not me, it's the medicine. Fear is your spear, and you hurl it at me when I notice the looming deadline of "two years" that I set for my time on medication. Anxiety is your shield and you raise it when I run at you (even with your spear piercing my body); yelling that it's too hard for me to stop taking my wonder drug. You lie. You hate truth. And I know I've outsmarted you.

Tears streamed down my face as I watched my baby walk away from me with his grandma, onto a plane, without a glance back. I was broken. I was worried. I missed him already. Still, you tried to lie and tell me that it was you coming back and the emotions were irrational shadows of the fear I had when he was first born; the fear of letting him out of my sight. But then.... I let go. Josh and I prayed and released our sweet baby to God's hands. "You are not any less in control of that plane and its fate than you would be if you were sitting with Zeke," he said, and I believed. And that is TRUE. Zeke is in God's hands. I am in God's hands. YOU are not. So I went to dinner with my husband. We had a great time. I miss Zeke; I am sad that he is not with me, but I am fine. I will enjoy my time away from him and welcome him back with open arms. But someday again, I will let him go. And I will be okay. And I will NOT be on medication. I got away from you on my own. I will keep running because now I'm strong enough to.

I WIN.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I need you.

Today I feel much better. While I am not yet 100% back to normal, I'm confident that by the end of the day I will be. Antibiotics and steroids are on board. Yes!

Here is what I need from you, blogosphere. Tonight at 7:55 p.m. Central Time, my 21-month-old son will be flying on a plane to Florida with my mother-in-law. He will be in Florida while I am at Blissdom and my husband and I have some much-needed time together. We'll see him again on Sunday. I feel okay about being away from him for several days. But I am BEYOND nervous about him going on this plan without me. I know that no matter what; whether I am there or not, the plane is not in my control. But I am afraid. So will you please pray (or think good thoughts, or send good energy or whatever--I need it ALL) that Zeke will be safe. Will you pray throughout the day if you think about it? And will you also pray at 7:55 Central Time, when he takes off?

Here are some specific things to pray for:
*That the pilot has rested and is feeling well
*That the plane has no issues--no ice, no mechanical issues, everything in working order
*That the flight attendants are sensitive to my Mother-in-Law's needs and are able and willing to help her get on and off the plane and to Baggage Claim.
*That the plane will take off and land safely
*No turbulance
*That I will feel peace
*That Zeke will be have for his grandma
*That my little boy will not, at any point in the trip, be scared.

Please, please please pray. I know there are many in the blogging world who have problems far worse than me, and I know how fortunate I am. I hope that everyone is praying for them. I feel like I am unworthy of your prayers! But I am so afraid. I will update through Twitter and you can follow me there-- @BoldRach4X.

I love you all, I really really do.

Monday, February 1, 2010

This is all you get from me today.

Are you KIDDING me?

I mean, you have GOT to be kidding me.

I'm SICK???

I'm sick just DAYS away from the start of Blissdom?!

Ugh.

While I wait for my doctor to decide whether or not he will call in a prescription for antibiotics without me paying him through my *ahem* nose for a visit, I sit on my butt on the couch. I'm vegging out, and you can't stop me. This is all you're getting from me in the way of a blog post today. Enjoy it. Getting better is my top priority right now. Love to you all.